INSULT TO INJURY
Dueling: should it brought back? A recent besmirchment of my honor raised that exact question. Having suffered a grievous assault, I wondered how may I exact ample satisfaction from the riotous youth who besmirched me in the first place.
I had a few options:
1. I could hit the braggart, outright, unannounced, and initiate a combative riposte to the insult.
2. I could, more politely, ask to “take things outside” and fight the fool in a setting more conducive to street combat and vigilante justice.
3. I could be the “bigger man” and brush aside the affront, demonstrating “Christian values” and “maturity.”
4. I could remove one of my gloves, approach the vagrant, and “throw down,” dramatically discarding the handwear so as to make clear my intention to duel him.
This insult being a matter of trifling importance, I decided immediately upon the fourth option. For those of you not in the know, dueling is the ancient and most noble art of putting one’s life on the line for menial and often abstract matters of interpersonal strife. Stuff like rumors about your momma, allegations of cuckolding or statements that you “throw like a girl” are all grade A reasons to challenge somebody to a duel.
How do you do it? Once you suffered an insult that makes dueling frank necessity, you must find your target, take off a glove, throw it down in front of him, and explain the nature of your complaint. He will then have the option to apologize outright, allowing you to determine how the character can “make it up” or he may accept your challenge and dictate the time, the place and the weapons you will use to settle the affair.
Dueling, incidentally, is illegal. Just so you know. Just so I don’t get a phone call at 8:34 a.m.
on a Sunday morning from the police explaining that two miscreants were found near King Park with broadswords, a bag of Cheetos, and my column in the breast-pocket of one of them.
But back to carrying out a theoretical duel.
After you’ve challenged your target duelee, you must prepare to kick his ass in whatever the encounter may be. Seeing the whole illegality of dueling with physical weaponry (especially in Rhode Island, where it is quite illegal to even make “an appointment to fight,” statue 11-12-6) perhaps swords and guns could be reduced to pixilated alternatives. The year not being 1708, where a little brushing up on one’s rapier might have been in order, you might consider getting your thumbs ready for Halo or its analog alternative, a “thumb war.”
In any case, once I decided to duel the individual responsible for insulting my honor recently I was quite relieved to find that he was “confused,” and was “sorry he had pissed me off.” This notably excused me from breaking the law, and also spared me from preparing extensively to duel someone, something I was quite sure would cut into my Guitar Hero practice time, daily from 5:30- 11 p.m.
So back to the question: Should dueling be brought back? No. Probably not. Not as long as it includes life-threatening weaponry and some hard line honor policies. But as for its use in settling matters of besmirchment, and for intimidating confused high school kids into quittin’ their hatin,’ I say dueling’s got its benefits.
And anyone that disagrees knows where to find me. Second Beach. Super Soakers. Friday. 4 o’clock.
The last time Zachary McCune was in a duel was at Six Flags. Something to do with dragons.
I had a few options:
1. I could hit the braggart, outright, unannounced, and initiate a combative riposte to the insult.
2. I could, more politely, ask to “take things outside” and fight the fool in a setting more conducive to street combat and vigilante justice.
3. I could be the “bigger man” and brush aside the affront, demonstrating “Christian values” and “maturity.”
4. I could remove one of my gloves, approach the vagrant, and “throw down,” dramatically discarding the handwear so as to make clear my intention to duel him.
This insult being a matter of trifling importance, I decided immediately upon the fourth option. For those of you not in the know, dueling is the ancient and most noble art of putting one’s life on the line for menial and often abstract matters of interpersonal strife. Stuff like rumors about your momma, allegations of cuckolding or statements that you “throw like a girl” are all grade A reasons to challenge somebody to a duel.
How do you do it? Once you suffered an insult that makes dueling frank necessity, you must find your target, take off a glove, throw it down in front of him, and explain the nature of your complaint. He will then have the option to apologize outright, allowing you to determine how the character can “make it up” or he may accept your challenge and dictate the time, the place and the weapons you will use to settle the affair.
Dueling, incidentally, is illegal. Just so you know. Just so I don’t get a phone call at 8:34 a.m.
on a Sunday morning from the police explaining that two miscreants were found near King Park with broadswords, a bag of Cheetos, and my column in the breast-pocket of one of them.
But back to carrying out a theoretical duel.
After you’ve challenged your target duelee, you must prepare to kick his ass in whatever the encounter may be. Seeing the whole illegality of dueling with physical weaponry (especially in Rhode Island, where it is quite illegal to even make “an appointment to fight,” statue 11-12-6) perhaps swords and guns could be reduced to pixilated alternatives. The year not being 1708, where a little brushing up on one’s rapier might have been in order, you might consider getting your thumbs ready for Halo or its analog alternative, a “thumb war.”
In any case, once I decided to duel the individual responsible for insulting my honor recently I was quite relieved to find that he was “confused,” and was “sorry he had pissed me off.” This notably excused me from breaking the law, and also spared me from preparing extensively to duel someone, something I was quite sure would cut into my Guitar Hero practice time, daily from 5:30- 11 p.m.
So back to the question: Should dueling be brought back? No. Probably not. Not as long as it includes life-threatening weaponry and some hard line honor policies. But as for its use in settling matters of besmirchment, and for intimidating confused high school kids into quittin’ their hatin,’ I say dueling’s got its benefits.
And anyone that disagrees knows where to find me. Second Beach. Super Soakers. Friday. 4 o’clock.
The last time Zachary McCune was in a duel was at Six Flags. Something to do with dragons.
posted by Zack McCune at
8:07 PM
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