SLUMBER ZACK
Smart people let sleeping dogs lie.
Smart women let sleeping men lie.
Why? Because men take their sleep very seriously. It’s been scientifically proven. 100 percent of men would rather sleep than, well, just about anything. Sleep is what gets men through the day. It’s the proverbial carrot on the end of the string. Something to look forward to, something to keep your eyes on the prize, something to keep those spirits up during the grueling time of remaining awake and alert, something to go ahead and daydream about while you’re at work, at the gym, or even out on a date.
Society has cruelly labeled time not spent sleeping as “productive,” creating an unjust dichotomy where individuals with a proclivity toward slumber are deemed lazy, lethargic or “good-for-nothing,” a system that conflates sleeping with a lack of production. This is entirely false. I produce some of my best ideas while I am asleep, and many of my friends can perform motor skills while “asleep.” They can talk, walk, drive, whittle, and even, on occasion, engage in acts of sexual persuasions while physiologically unconscious.
These are the sort of multitaskers you will see at the head of America’s most powerful businesses and in the country’s most important political circles. These are the sort of men who run America, and what America needs, in these dark days, is more men willing to sleep for their country. It is paradoxical that you never fully appreciate sleep when you have the chance.
There you are, flat back in your bed, letting yourself drift off toward the sweet environs of unconscious rumination. You can taste sleep’s sweet elixir, its honeyed tones and titillations. Sweetly, slowly, sleep comes upon you promising rest, release and rejuvenation.
But the moment it takes you, you feel nothing save the hard moment you awaken again. It is humankind’s greatest torment, an orgasm perpetually promised but never delivered.
Sweet sleep, you are always the one that gets away.
Women, I imagine that you too enjoy sleep. Because in my limited experience, I have been chastised by my mom on any occasion I woke her up, or in still rarer occasions physically assaulted and berated by women who found themselves wakened in a situational joint slumber with my person. Both occasions have suggested to me that women think sleep is pretty important, and should not be interrupted, particularly by me. I’ve also heard a lot about this mythically required “beauty sleep,” which though promising great things has never noticeably changed any of the women who insisted on it.
Whatever the veracity of beauty sleep, or the logic of the disappointment of my onetime bedmates, the foundational idea is a good one: People are happier sleeping than when they are not sleeping. Sleep is the great equalizer. And maybe that’s what they mean by beauty sleep; when I am asleep I am beautiful, and I bet you are too.
Zachary McCune regrets 100 percent of the sleep he never gets.
Smart women let sleeping men lie.
Why? Because men take their sleep very seriously. It’s been scientifically proven. 100 percent of men would rather sleep than, well, just about anything. Sleep is what gets men through the day. It’s the proverbial carrot on the end of the string. Something to look forward to, something to keep your eyes on the prize, something to keep those spirits up during the grueling time of remaining awake and alert, something to go ahead and daydream about while you’re at work, at the gym, or even out on a date.
Society has cruelly labeled time not spent sleeping as “productive,” creating an unjust dichotomy where individuals with a proclivity toward slumber are deemed lazy, lethargic or “good-for-nothing,” a system that conflates sleeping with a lack of production. This is entirely false. I produce some of my best ideas while I am asleep, and many of my friends can perform motor skills while “asleep.” They can talk, walk, drive, whittle, and even, on occasion, engage in acts of sexual persuasions while physiologically unconscious.
These are the sort of multitaskers you will see at the head of America’s most powerful businesses and in the country’s most important political circles. These are the sort of men who run America, and what America needs, in these dark days, is more men willing to sleep for their country. It is paradoxical that you never fully appreciate sleep when you have the chance.
There you are, flat back in your bed, letting yourself drift off toward the sweet environs of unconscious rumination. You can taste sleep’s sweet elixir, its honeyed tones and titillations. Sweetly, slowly, sleep comes upon you promising rest, release and rejuvenation.
But the moment it takes you, you feel nothing save the hard moment you awaken again. It is humankind’s greatest torment, an orgasm perpetually promised but never delivered.
Sweet sleep, you are always the one that gets away.
Women, I imagine that you too enjoy sleep. Because in my limited experience, I have been chastised by my mom on any occasion I woke her up, or in still rarer occasions physically assaulted and berated by women who found themselves wakened in a situational joint slumber with my person. Both occasions have suggested to me that women think sleep is pretty important, and should not be interrupted, particularly by me. I’ve also heard a lot about this mythically required “beauty sleep,” which though promising great things has never noticeably changed any of the women who insisted on it.
Whatever the veracity of beauty sleep, or the logic of the disappointment of my onetime bedmates, the foundational idea is a good one: People are happier sleeping than when they are not sleeping. Sleep is the great equalizer. And maybe that’s what they mean by beauty sleep; when I am asleep I am beautiful, and I bet you are too.
Zachary McCune regrets 100 percent of the sleep he never gets.
posted by Zack McCune at
8:05 PM
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