Resolutions are for the weak

It has often occurred to me that New Year’s Resolutions are a sign of weakness, an admis­sion of imperfection and invi­tation for criticism. They pro­vide self-supplied indictment of the individual, foolishly offer­ing that you are not, in fact, “the man” and instead explicit­ly revealing the places where you lack charisma, prowess, or potent sexual energy. Resolu­tions, in short, have no place in the heart of the righteous, legitimate dude.

If we can learn anything from the government about the way we should live our lives, it’s that you should never volun­teer places for improvement or offer your weaknesses up as something you are publicly working to improve. Corpora­tions, investment bankers, stock traders, and other pirate cum capitalists also understand this inherently male atti­tude, and are there­fore collectively referred to as “the man.”

In general, admitting faults breaks the illusion that you are perfect, and perfection is some­thing men have been striving for since well, the dinosaurs.

Perfection is a valuable com­modity for men. It’s the only other component they need beside a masculine prefix to be called “Mr. Perfect.” Perfection also has other perks, like infal­libility, the opportunity to judge people, pets, and matters of aesthetic taste, and a sort of rabbi-like wisdom. Perfection, is always in, and imperfection, well imperfection is always out. You may have already come to the conclusion that you are imperfect. Congratulations, you’re now on your way to cov­ering up for the fact, distract­ing others from your flaws but emphasizing your talents. This is what perfection is really all about. This illusion of perfec­tion is the highest form of imperfection.

Again we return to the gov­ernment. In order to effectively do their job, these people must exert an outward appearance of perfec­tion while being deeply aware of their inherent imperfec­tion. Certain groups of bitter, flawed peo­ple, like the media, will try to point out the holes in the gov­ernment “perfect sto­ry” or the faults in the government’s fab­ricated sense of con­trol and understand­ing. But what kind of imperfect government can make things like Social Security or voting function effectively? None. So clearly the government is per­fect.
For men, perfection is no mere hobby. It is a day-to-day, up to the minute challenge that must be met with resolution (not of the New Year’s variety) and courage. The kind of courage that doesn’t ask for directions, because Mr. Perfect already thinks he knows how to get there, and he doesn’t need to ask Mr. Flawed which way the wind blows. Men also know that chicks dig perfect men, but are jealous of their excellence, and can’t get over their egos to date perfect men. That’s just part of it, part of being a per­fect dude.

Sometimes people ask me, personally, to let them in on how I’m doing it. How I am managing to make being per­fect look so easy. But I see through this clever rouse.

That’s part of being perfect too, sniffing out the rat looking to bust you in your flaws, and reminding him that infallibili­ty doesn’t grow on trees, but if it did, you own an orchard.

Zachary McCune reminds dudes everywhere to keep real, keep safe, keep perfect in 2008. And don’t mind women using words like pretentious or conde­scension, they’re just trying to blow your spot. Stay strong.