Songs for the Manly Mega-Mix
I’ve always found the title “Jock Jams,” that (once) popular CD series, a bit misleading. After all, though it seemed to promise the sound of masculinity mastered in Dolby stereo, the real effect was something like “Arena Jams,” pathetic has-been top 40 radio songs that bored the soul.
No, Jock Jams is not the sound of masculinity, and neither are any of those boxed sets you see advertised with footage of Ozzy Osbourne or Nirvana on early morning television. Instead, the real sound of manhood — specifically, American men ages 18-35, from middle class, suburban, college-educated homes — is something like the following playlist you can find on the iPods of most any righteous dude.
This is the party mix. These are the anthems of summer afternoons, barbecues, ragers, Pats games, homework, workouts, road trips, sexcapades and most anything else men need music for.
“Layla” — Eric Clapton
Iconic might be an understatement when it comes to this classic. The opening guitar riff makes me hard. I mean figuratively. But seriously, Eric Clapton definitely imparted one of the most amazing love songs in history when he decided to record human love filtered through a guitar in 1970. And I know he didn’t write it, but still, listen to that guitar while my inner child gently weeps.
“99 Problems” — Jay-Z
“If you’re having girl problems I feel bad for you son/I’ve got 99 Problems but a bitch ain’t one” begins Jay-Z on this seminal track. When you realize that his “bitch” is Beyonce Knowles, you realize just how much that is not a problem. Though most men can’t relate to this song directly (when has a bitch not been a problem?) they can aspire to its attitude. Jay-Z gets hassled by cops, judges, critics, haters and other riff raff, but he keeps his cool. And rocks out hard.
It’s a great song to be playing when you get pulled over, or feel otherwise irritated by the narrow-mindedness of your peers. It also feels good to interject the opening lines into casual conversation.
“Tiny Dancer” — Elton John
I’ve never met a man who doesn’t know the lyrics to this song. If such a man exists, he need only hear the melody to produce an uncanny, unconscious vocal accompaniment using the words he should “scientifically” not know. Every man on earth apart from Elton John wishes they could hit the falsetto to croon the chorus. Forever failing to hit those high notes, men lovingly the butcher the song, convinced they are on key.
Incidentally, I have always wanted to start a punk group called “Seamstress for the Band.”
“TNT” — AC/DC
The perennial fight song, TNT always makes men feel indestructible. Which is why it’s always on in bars and at hockey games. The lyrics themselves detail one man’s self-assured warning to other men about himself. “Don’t you start no fight, because I am TNT, I’m dynamite” he admonishes. Men like this sentiment; particularly as “pump-up” music, or for situations that require mental focusing and nerve steeling.
“Thriller” — Michael Jackson
I don’t want to generalize, but I think even the most dance-adverse men on earth are willing to “bust a move” when this song comes on. If you’re lucky, you have a friend from college who knows the whole dance and can execute it at a moment’s notice, even after a night of heavy drinking and debauching. And if you are that person, then you are the “man.” There are of course other songs that would make a list of a man’s man’s music. They would probably include a little Rolling Stones (“Satisfaction”), some Oasis and Bob Marley for the stoner in us all, and a signature John Williams piece like the theme from “Star Wars” or “Indiana Jones.” Jimi Hendrix, Prince and the Beastie Boys also might make the cut. Notably, the Beatles would NOT be on this list. Britney Spears is more masculine than the Beatles.
Zachary McCune thinks music makes a man a man. Which is why he sings in the shower, if you know what he means.
No, Jock Jams is not the sound of masculinity, and neither are any of those boxed sets you see advertised with footage of Ozzy Osbourne or Nirvana on early morning television. Instead, the real sound of manhood — specifically, American men ages 18-35, from middle class, suburban, college-educated homes — is something like the following playlist you can find on the iPods of most any righteous dude.
This is the party mix. These are the anthems of summer afternoons, barbecues, ragers, Pats games, homework, workouts, road trips, sexcapades and most anything else men need music for.
“Layla” — Eric Clapton
Iconic might be an understatement when it comes to this classic. The opening guitar riff makes me hard. I mean figuratively. But seriously, Eric Clapton definitely imparted one of the most amazing love songs in history when he decided to record human love filtered through a guitar in 1970. And I know he didn’t write it, but still, listen to that guitar while my inner child gently weeps.
“99 Problems” — Jay-Z
“If you’re having girl problems I feel bad for you son/I’ve got 99 Problems but a bitch ain’t one” begins Jay-Z on this seminal track. When you realize that his “bitch” is Beyonce Knowles, you realize just how much that is not a problem. Though most men can’t relate to this song directly (when has a bitch not been a problem?) they can aspire to its attitude. Jay-Z gets hassled by cops, judges, critics, haters and other riff raff, but he keeps his cool. And rocks out hard.
It’s a great song to be playing when you get pulled over, or feel otherwise irritated by the narrow-mindedness of your peers. It also feels good to interject the opening lines into casual conversation.
“Tiny Dancer” — Elton John
I’ve never met a man who doesn’t know the lyrics to this song. If such a man exists, he need only hear the melody to produce an uncanny, unconscious vocal accompaniment using the words he should “scientifically” not know. Every man on earth apart from Elton John wishes they could hit the falsetto to croon the chorus. Forever failing to hit those high notes, men lovingly the butcher the song, convinced they are on key.
Incidentally, I have always wanted to start a punk group called “Seamstress for the Band.”
“TNT” — AC/DC
The perennial fight song, TNT always makes men feel indestructible. Which is why it’s always on in bars and at hockey games. The lyrics themselves detail one man’s self-assured warning to other men about himself. “Don’t you start no fight, because I am TNT, I’m dynamite” he admonishes. Men like this sentiment; particularly as “pump-up” music, or for situations that require mental focusing and nerve steeling.
“Thriller” — Michael Jackson
I don’t want to generalize, but I think even the most dance-adverse men on earth are willing to “bust a move” when this song comes on. If you’re lucky, you have a friend from college who knows the whole dance and can execute it at a moment’s notice, even after a night of heavy drinking and debauching. And if you are that person, then you are the “man.” There are of course other songs that would make a list of a man’s man’s music. They would probably include a little Rolling Stones (“Satisfaction”), some Oasis and Bob Marley for the stoner in us all, and a signature John Williams piece like the theme from “Star Wars” or “Indiana Jones.” Jimi Hendrix, Prince and the Beastie Boys also might make the cut. Notably, the Beatles would NOT be on this list. Britney Spears is more masculine than the Beatles.
Zachary McCune thinks music makes a man a man. Which is why he sings in the shower, if you know what he means.
posted by Zack McCune at
8:18 PM
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